A note from the editor:
This story pairs well with story 9, “Joy in the Journey.” Many of us long for certainty in our futures. We desire to know the details of coming years regarding our physical locations, careers, finances, marriages, and children, whether illness will touch us or someone we love, how government policies will change, and ultimately, the kinds of losses and joys we will experience. We want to be ready for whatever life offers us, but we want to know the what, when, why, how in advance. However, as Anne Lamott observed, “The opposite of faith is not doubt, but certainty.” Part of the beauty of life is the unexpected. Part of the challenge of life is an incomplete picture.
Story 11 of this project? Just learning to embrace life in all its ambiguities.
story 11 of many.
If you had asked me five years ago as I was graduating from high school where I would be in 2018, I would have been wrong. Looking back on these years, the path that I have taken has been incredible and unpredictable. I feel confident that God has led me every step of the way, which is not an easy statement to write. I would not have picked this path for myself, but I can see how it is perhaps the best path I could have taken.
College was a new experience for me, as it is for every freshman. My parents helped me move into my new apartment and, as they closed the door to leave, I felt the door to my childhood close too as the door to a new adventure (adulthood? inbetweenhood?) opened. BYU was new and exciting to me. Growing up in Ohio, I had never lived somewhere where nearly everyone you meet is LDS: my roommates, classmates, teachers, even cashiers at the grocery store. I thought it was amazing! After growing up as a religious minority, it was neat being part of the vast majority.
I was 19-years-old when I started college, and I wasn’t sure if I wanted to serve a mission. The missionary age change had been announced only a year before, and I wanted to make sure that if I did go, I would go for the right reasons. I prayed many times and felt nothing. I didn’t get a “yes” or a “no”, just a blank feeling. What was I supposed to do with that? I talked with my bishop about it, and he told me, “Well, you won’t ever regret going on a mission.” That encouraged me to start my papers. I told myself that if I had a bad feeling about it, then I could stop at anytime. Still nothing. Looking back, I think my answer came gradually. In the excitement of getting ready for my mission, I felt that this was right for me. So I continued, and one day the big white envelope arrived. My friends all came over to hear my mission call, and as I read it, I was shocked to learn I would be spending the next eighteen months in Russia. I was stunned. Russia? THAT was where God meant to send me? I didn't’ even know that the language had a different alphabet system at the time.
When it came to learning Russian, as much as I tried to resist, I compared my level and progression of the Russian language with other missionaries. I was hard on myself when I couldn’t understand a concept, and felt discouraged that I would never be able to communicate. Eventually, I had to learn to accept my own learning pace, and embrace the fact that I was going to embarrass myself and make mistakes, which I definitely did throughout the mission. What I came to understand was that communication wasn’t nearly as important as connection. Despite my imperfect Russian, I was able to forge strong bonds with members and non-members alike. I came to realize that maybe I would never be fluent in Russian in this short time. Maybe God just wanted me to show love to these people who could use more love and light in their lives. Because failure is still one of my biggest fears, this was a huge learning curve and I somewhat unwilling accepted that fact that sometimes I would have to fail.
My mission was hard; I’d be lying if I said otherwise. It can be very discouraging when nearly everyone you talk with on the street is not interested in hearing more, or when meetings get cancelled and you have to walk the cold streets for two to three hours instead. I never got to experience the joy of watching my investigator getting baptized that makes many missionaries feel that they have fulfilled their purpose. But I did experience miracles, like helping a whole family return to activity and become stronger members, or watching with disbelief as a young man who was drunk the first time he came to church immediately quit drinking and smoking after learning about the gospel. He got baptized a month after I left the area. I came to believe that I should share my light with as many people as possible, even if they don’t initially accept our message. With that mindset, I felt myself change. I became more bold and started talking with as many people as I could, accepting that it would definitely be awkward. I found joy in giving a homeless woman banana bread, receiving a bouquet of flowers from a woman on the bus, comforting and listening to countless people about their hardships, and sharing my brownie recipe with the branch president.
Coming back from my mission opened the door to new challenges that I did not anticipate. After getting the “marriage talk” from my mission president before leaving the mission, I felt that this was my time, that I would find someone, fall in love, and we would get married in the temple. I expected that this would all happen in a year or two. As time went by, I readapted to college, socializing in my singles ward, and going on a few dates while waiting forthe time when Mr. Right would come along. Months went by, and I was still waiting. More time went by, I was still single but hopeful. In the meantime, I saw friends find their true loves. My Facebook feed was blew up with engagement announcements, wedding photos, and pictures of babies. Although I was happy for these friends, I couldn’t help but feel discouraged and even slightly envious. What was I lacking? Why haven’t I found the right person yet? Was I failing because I hadn’t been able to find a husband yet, like my other friends?
I soon learned that happiness and success is not dependant on one’s marital status. In fact, there were some lessons that I needed to learn single. I was having life-changing experiences. I learned how to be independent, developed new talents like painting and playing the organ, experienced heartbreak, and gained lifelong friends. I wouldn’t change any part of it.
During my first semester coming back from my mission, I learned about a major called bioinformatics, which was basically using computer programming to analyze biological data. I didn’t anticipate learning computer programming, but after taking my first computer science course, I quickly realized that I liked it, and I was good at programming. I decided to switch my major from biology to bioinformatics. Later on, in one of my bio courses we talked about cancer and I felt strongly that I wanted to get involved in cancer research. I wanted to figure out how to stop it. At the same time, I felt the impression that I should also study Russian, so I declared a double major.
Last winter, I had a strong feeling that I should look into a Baltic States study abroad program. I would get credit for my Russian classes and also have an internship for the summer. Though hesitant, I went for it. I lived in Riga, Latvia from May to August as a student intern. Getting there, I found out that my internship would be working in a medical center working on a cancer research project. It was more than I could have hoped for and I had an amazing time living day to day in the old European city. I often walked through the beautiful parks and pondered life. Great inspiration came from those park walks.
While still in Latvia, I got an email from the biology department about an opening in a bioinformatics professor’s lab doing cancer research. I quickly responded to the email, had a Skype interview, and shortly thereafter was offered a position for next school year. My life goal of doing cancer research was already coming true.
This is my last year at BYU, and I recently started working in my professor’s research lab. I’m now looking at different PhD programs for next year. I am still single, and although I admit that I still feel lonely at times, I couldn’t be more excited about my future. I don’t know where I’ll be in a year, whether that’s at another university working toward a PhD or working for a company, married or single. Right now, I see my future as a clean white canvas, waiting as brushstroke by brushstroke, it becomes a beautiful piece of art. I feared the unknowns in my life, and still do. But I am learning now that in reality, there is no need to fear. I know that God has a plan for me, and He will not let me fail in the long run. How grateful I am for the gospel of Jesus Christ. It has truly been my rock in my life as I go through life’s challenges. Instead of fearing the unknown, I am learning to embrace it.
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