Joy in the Journey

A note from the editor:

I gave one of my friends some advice this summer that was part facetious, part wisdom: "To live a happy life, have low expectations and high hopes." We practiced what that looked like. He told me that he expected to die alone in a basement working on an impossible computer program, but he hoped that he would be the world's youngest billionaire and travel the world. Hopefully reality hits somewhere in the middle. 

Expecting one kind of life that you don't get can lead to confusion and disappointment, but learning to love your life regardless of whether it's alone in a basement or traveling the world, married or single, is a valuable skill. 

LDS blogger Ariel Szuch wrote, "Just because I love summer mornings doesn’t mean I can’t enjoy a walk on a winter evening too. Every stage of life is a season, and with each transition, we trade one set of joys and struggles for another. The trick is to develop the habit of choosing happiness — to find purpose and joy and love — in whatever stage of life we’re in, and to have the courage to move on when it’s time for the season to change."

story 9 of many.

It has now been a decade since I graduated from high school and as a result, I have been doing a lot of reflecting lately.

I am overwhelmed with gratitude for the amazing experiences I have had over the last 10 years. They have provided challenges, enlightenment, joy, friends, closer relationships with Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ, growth, learning, and a greater love for my family.

Although everything has not turned out how I expected it would, I am extremely grateful for where I am and for the amazing experiences in my adulthood that have helped shape me into who I am.

I had a weird realization the other day. I am Facebook friends with one of my young women’s leaders. It was her birthday and I figured out that she was the age I am now (28) when she was my Laurel leader! It was a crazy epiphany for me because I looked up to her so much and she seemed so wise. I laughed to think of myself as being her same age and not feeling wise in any way. The thing that really shocked me though was that when she was 28 and my leader, she had 6 kids! 6! I couldn’t help but think how far from that I am and how very different our lives have turned out. I think in that moment of realization, I could have been very frustrated and down on myself, perhaps feeling like I had failed. I could have allowed loneliness and sadness to fester into bitterness. Why am I not married yet? It seems so easy for everyone else to find a spouse. Why can’t I have a family now? What is wrong with me?

But as I thought about it, I wouldn’t trade places with her for the world. In fact, I wouldn’t trade places with any of my friends who are married and have kids. Not because I don’t want those things. OF COURSE I want to get married and have a family. But I also know that I have a hand-picked plan designed by a loving and omniscient deity that is transforming me into the person HE wants me to become. And I can’t do that on anyone else’s plan.

I have a vivid memory from my senior year of high school that I have thought of often. I was sitting in our seminary building during lunch with many of my good friends. We were making predictions of when everyone would get married, as many Mormon high schoolers do. As we debated back and forth and laughed about it all, I remember saying pretty confidently that everyone in that circle would get married before I did. I said it kind of jokingly at the time, but to be completely honest, I knew it was true. I don’t know why, but I have always kind of known that I would be single longer than a lot of my friends. I knew it back when I was 17. And it turns out I was right. Every single person who was sitting in on that conversation is now married except for me.

In some ways, God prepared me to be single for longer than some of my peers. And in a lot of ways, I have always known that would be a part of my plan. But I admit, I did not think I would be single this long and I haven’t been completely immune to frustration, loneliness, sadness and anger.

I think one thing that can cause people in their 20’s to feel frustrated can be explained in one word: EXPECTATION. Often what we expect, or what others expect, or what a culture expects…doesn’t happen and as a result we can feel hurt, alone, betrayed, frustrated, and confused.

Certainly, some of my expectations were not met in the last decade. I fully expected to be married by this point in my life and starting a family. I figured I would follow in the same footsteps as all of my older siblings- meet my spouse while I was attending BYU, get married, start a family, and live happily ever after.

At one point, I thought I had found my husband at BYU. I was dating this guy and I was in love. The “M” word had been dropped a few times. I was planning him into my future and it felt so right. It was perfect. We were both graduating from BYU and applying to graduate schools. I planned to marry him and go to grad school at BYU.

And then all of that suddenly changed. My expectations were not met and he broke up with me. I was devastated. But I still had the dream of going to grad school at BYU. Until a few weeks later when the rejection letter came and that dream was shattered too. I remember the day I opened the email from BYU Graduate Studies. I was working on homework in my favorite computer lab in the JFSB on campus. I opened the email that started with those ominous words “We regret to inform you…” and immediately felt the salt pouring into my already deeply wounded heart from the breakup.

Tears instantly came to my eyes and I immediately got up and left to go to the bathroom to have a good cry. When I returned back to gather my backpack from the desk I had been working at, there was a small slip of paper sitting on my chair. I opened the paper and found the words “Proverbs 3:5-6” scrawled on the slip of paper in messy handwriting. I opened my LDS Gospel Library app to those verses and read as more tears kept coming, “Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge him and he shall direct thy paths.”

I am forever grateful to the angel that followed the inspiration to put that scripture reference on my chair that day because since then, I have tried harder to trust God. At that time, I felt like my entire world was crashing down; my expectations had been blown out of the water. I was bitter, angry with God, depressed, and humiliated.

But from my expectations NOT being met, I have been able to feel more joyful now than I ever have before. Having my heart broken and being rejected by BYU set me on a path to come up to Utah State University to do graduate school. I came very reluctantly, almost kicking against the will and direction of the Lord. But I came. And since then, a chain of events was set in motion that eventually led me to landing my dream job as a collegiate track & cross country coach. And the funny thing is I didn’t even REALIZE that was my dream job when I came up to USU. But I am grateful I trusted in the Lord and “leaned not unto my own understanding.” Because when my world seemingly fell apart, I had no clue what was waiting for me in the next few years and how it would completely change my life. My job is exactly what I need right now. I have the opportunity to invest in and influence dozens of amazing young men and young women. I get to be around a sport I am passionate about all the time. I get the opportunity to grow, stretch, and be challenged every day. I get the opportunity to see people’s dreams become reality. And I get to be with my athletes through the ups and downs, to celebrate with them and to cry with them. And above all, coaching has helped me grow closer to my Savior and rely on Him more.

I can honestly say I wouldn’t rather be anywhere else than where I am right now. I wouldn’t rather be married. I wouldn’t rather have children. Because wishing those things, is wishing to change the perfect individual plan God has outlined for me. I know those things will come when the time is right, but right now I am joyfully celebrating the life I have been given.

Expectations aside, what about all the unexpected things that have happened in the last ten years that I could have never anticipated? I never expected to learn to love the people of Nicaragua as I did while serving a mission. I never expected to have my life changed by my study abroad at the BYU Jerusalem Center. I never expected to learn so much about myself in the many dating relationships I have had. I also never expected to learn so much about the healing power of the Atonement through those dating relationships. I never expected to become a Division I collegiate track and cross country coach. I never expected to travel to places like Thailand, Egypt, Bolivia, Italy, and Iceland. I never expected to be an aunt to 20 amazing nieces and nephews. I had a lot of unexpected things happen. And it has been the best thing ever.

Sometimes I feel that people in the church think that if one is not married, they must be sad and miserable. At 28 and not married, I often feel pitied. I find this quite humorous considering I feel like there is nothing to pity about getting an education, having a successful and fulfilling career, traveling the world, and being surrounded by amazing family and friends.

But above all, I wish other young single adults in the church would stop wishing they were in different life circumstances. Instead of being bitter, angry, and depressed about the life circumstances you find yourself in, why not embrace the here and now and turn it into an incredible journey of growth, fulfilment, and joy?

So embrace and love the times when your expectations are unmet and look for the unexpected tender mercies that will change your life for forever. Find joy in the journey, in the individual plan God has for you, and in who you are becoming because of the unexpected.