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All or Nothing

A note from the editor:

Depression, anxiety, shame, and perfectionism can make us think we have to chose between being Superman and being Worstman, but in the end, maybe we all just need to find Normalman and work on making progress from wherever we are.


story 6 of many.

I have always been someone who puts my whole soul into things. When I love something, it’s all-consuming. When I dislike something, I want it completely out of my life. You can see how this could be problematic, especially in regards to spirituality. During my high school years, I felt like Superman at some times, coming home from church youth conferences with crazy spiritual highs, determined to be a perfect Mormon. I’d get up at 5am and read my scriptures for an hour, I’d rave about uplifting talks I’d listen to, I’d try to be super nice to people. And then sometimes I felt like Worstman, dreading waking up at all let alone in time to read scriptures, binging on video games, yelling at my siblings and being mean to my friends, complaining about church.

This trend continued after high school as well, but in different ways. I went to BYU without considering any other options. My first term there was one of the Superman times. I made great friends and felt like my spirit was so in tune with God’s will. And then came an extended Worstman time and I felt myself getting angry at Mormon culture and feeling pushed to the outside of it, partially by own doing and partially because of others’ actions. The frustrations I felt from a few bad interactions with other people at BYU were and are very real to me. I was also suffering from depression and struggling to work through some addictive behaviors, so this added to obstacles of going on a mission, let alone living a functional adult-student life. I didn’t end up going on a mission despite several Superman moments when I really wanted to go. I made goals and plans to figure things out, but they never came to fruition. This added to the feeling of being on the outside of my religious and social circles and lessened my desire overall to return to my spiritual Superman moments.

Depression, anxiety, personal crisis, and work have all interrupted my original plans and I’m still slowly working through things. A couple years ago, I married an amazing girl from New York who also suffers from anxiety and depression, but she has been wonderful for me. She’s not LDS but we share so much and makes me feel whole. She’s brought back aspects of my Superman self, helping me become better and more focused, but I can still feel my Superman spiritual self largely dormant. I know that this spiritual self is a part of me. An important part of me. It’s guided me a lot in life even when I’ve had to fight against apathy and laziness. I wish I could even find a Normalman spiritual self because I’m still craving a relationship with God, to know that I’m loved by him despite my many limitations. I don’t go to church very regularly right now, but I still feel connected with my faith and want it to be a part of my life.


I believe in the Gospel of Jesus Christ. I may not be the best at following through on all my Superman promptings right now, but I want to get there. I’ve had to fight against a lot of shame and guilt as most people have and while that hasn’t been easy for me, I think there’s a place for me in the church. Maybe it doesn’t have to be my Superman self, but I don’t want to be Worstman either. I just want to be Normalman at church, balancing the good and bad in life. I may be making very slow progress towards taking care of my spirit, but I’m still going to call it progress as long as I’m trying.

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